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Jon and Kate
May. 14th, 2009 10:07 amSo how sad and pathetic is it that I'm upset about Jon and Kate getting a divorce? For the last however long, I've been hoping and praying it was just tabloid gossip, and they were still totally going strong and all in love, but, alas, my hope seems to have been in vain.
Gosh, I'm an idiot for caring about the marriage of two people I only "know" through a highly edited reality show.
Gosh, I'm an idiot for caring about the marriage of two people I only "know" through a highly edited reality show.
(Oh, the ER trip went astoundingly well. Thanks for your prayers, everyone.)
Yesterday, I was in the city, at the San Francisco Botanical Garden, with my mom and two Jr. High kids that she's homeschooling (I'll probably talk more about this later). I love teaching, especially teens, and I love science, so I was along to provide the lesson while we walked through for several hours, as my mom's knowledge of the natural world pretty much begins with "oh, pretty!" and ends at "ew, gross!" and I'm a huge biology nerd. It was a great way for them to learn about everything from evolution to reproduction to ecosystems, in a very hands-on way--without even realizing they were learning, really! They're smart kids, and I had a lot of fun.
Anyway.
My purse got ripped off while we were eating lunch. Whatever, it's the city, right? Well, unfortunately, my medication was inside. My very strong narcotic medication. Yeah.
See, here's the thing: if I were asthmatic and carrying my inhaler, if I was diabetic and carrying my insulin, if I had pretty much anything else besides a chronic pain condition requiring narcotic medication to manage, I would have gotten sympathy instead of suspicion. But, instead, I got to deal with asshole pharmacists, asshole doctors, asshole police officers--especially because my medication has been stolen before.
Look, I understand that it's not their fault, really. I get that it looks bad! I get that people abuse the system, that people become addicted to pain medication. I get that the doctors are trying to protect me as much as themselves. But it is still so tiring to be treated like a criminal, all the time, for something that I absolutely cannot help. And when I'm already in a lot of pain, and already exhausted from not sleeping (from the pain), and dehydrated because I can't keep anything down (also because of pain)...it just is so, so hard to deal with the emotional drain of people acting like I'm a big drug addict. Just because I understand why doesn't mean it's easy to deal with.
I have a medical condition. I have done everything under the sun--short of a hysterectomy--to manage my condition without having to use narcotics. At this point, pain medication is the only thing that can get me out of bed and out of the house some days. If I don't use medication, my life will be my bed. Not to mention, I just plain hate being in pain, and I don't think I should be required to live that way, just because some people like to use my pills recreationaly.
I hate that this is my life.
Yesterday, I was in the city, at the San Francisco Botanical Garden, with my mom and two Jr. High kids that she's homeschooling (I'll probably talk more about this later). I love teaching, especially teens, and I love science, so I was along to provide the lesson while we walked through for several hours, as my mom's knowledge of the natural world pretty much begins with "oh, pretty!" and ends at "ew, gross!" and I'm a huge biology nerd. It was a great way for them to learn about everything from evolution to reproduction to ecosystems, in a very hands-on way--without even realizing they were learning, really! They're smart kids, and I had a lot of fun.
Anyway.
My purse got ripped off while we were eating lunch. Whatever, it's the city, right? Well, unfortunately, my medication was inside. My very strong narcotic medication. Yeah.
See, here's the thing: if I were asthmatic and carrying my inhaler, if I was diabetic and carrying my insulin, if I had pretty much anything else besides a chronic pain condition requiring narcotic medication to manage, I would have gotten sympathy instead of suspicion. But, instead, I got to deal with asshole pharmacists, asshole doctors, asshole police officers--especially because my medication has been stolen before.
Look, I understand that it's not their fault, really. I get that it looks bad! I get that people abuse the system, that people become addicted to pain medication. I get that the doctors are trying to protect me as much as themselves. But it is still so tiring to be treated like a criminal, all the time, for something that I absolutely cannot help. And when I'm already in a lot of pain, and already exhausted from not sleeping (from the pain), and dehydrated because I can't keep anything down (also because of pain)...it just is so, so hard to deal with the emotional drain of people acting like I'm a big drug addict. Just because I understand why doesn't mean it's easy to deal with.
I have a medical condition. I have done everything under the sun--short of a hysterectomy--to manage my condition without having to use narcotics. At this point, pain medication is the only thing that can get me out of bed and out of the house some days. If I don't use medication, my life will be my bed. Not to mention, I just plain hate being in pain, and I don't think I should be required to live that way, just because some people like to use my pills recreationaly.
I hate that this is my life.
I'm heading down to the ER. Pain so intense that medication isn't helping, and I haven't been able to keep food down for the past couple days. I've been hoping to ride this out without another trip to hell the hospital, but I fainted a few minutes ago, and according to my mom, even though I'm fine now (well, aside from the FUCKING EXPLODING PAIN IN MY PELVIC AREA, but what else is new) I no longer get to make that call. I may be 22, but I turn 8 when she gets that look on her face. So as soon as she gets her "ER kit" together (books, pillow, blanket, iPod--everything you need when you know your going to be waiting on an uncomfortable chair for upwards of five hours), we'll be out the door.
Those of you who pray, I'd appriciate it. I am so not looking forward to dealing with asshole doctors, playing yet another round of "I'm not a drug addict, no really," being a human pincusion, and all of the other fun stuff that comes with the ER.
Someday, I will post about happy things again. Truly, though you wouldn't know it from reading this blog, good things do happen to me. I don't spend all my time being miserable.
But today is not that day.
Those of you who pray, I'd appriciate it. I am so not looking forward to dealing with asshole doctors, playing yet another round of "I'm not a drug addict, no really," being a human pincusion, and all of the other fun stuff that comes with the ER.
Someday, I will post about happy things again. Truly, though you wouldn't know it from reading this blog, good things do happen to me. I don't spend all my time being miserable.
But today is not that day.
Anchors, please.
Apr. 14th, 2009 07:29 pmDear Talking Heads,
Yeah. We get it. Actually, we got it last week. The conservatives are talking about "teabagging"! Why, that's a sex act! And a "deviant" sex act at that! (Or, hey, another word for sexual assault.) Ha-ha! They're talking about dirty, nasty sex and they don't even know it! Oh my! Teabagging! Hilarious!
Okay, it was funny the first dozen times. I thought the Rachel Maddow segment was pretty good, too. But guys? I get that this is twelve-year-old boy humor, but you really don't have to lower yourselves to the level of actual twelve-year-old boys by repeating the same joke over and over and over until everyone around you wants to stick spoons in their ears.
It's not funny anymore. Now it's just kind of pathetic.
Thanks a bunch,
Me
Yeah. We get it. Actually, we got it last week. The conservatives are talking about "teabagging"! Why, that's a sex act! And a "deviant" sex act at that! (Or, hey, another word for sexual assault.) Ha-ha! They're talking about dirty, nasty sex and they don't even know it! Oh my! Teabagging! Hilarious!
Okay, it was funny the first dozen times. I thought the Rachel Maddow segment was pretty good, too. But guys? I get that this is twelve-year-old boy humor, but you really don't have to lower yourselves to the level of actual twelve-year-old boys by repeating the same joke over and over and over until everyone around you wants to stick spoons in their ears.
It's not funny anymore. Now it's just kind of pathetic.
Thanks a bunch,
Me
More on "Observe and Report"
Apr. 13th, 2009 12:58 pmYES YES YES A MILLION TIMES YES. Everyone should read this. (Explicit content about sexual assault, however.)
This is what I mean when I talk about a rape culture. This is why I'm so upset by Observe and Report, and the discussion surrounding the movie. This is why every time I read about how "edgy" and "controversial" and "brave" Seth Rogan is, like I'm just too damn uptight and conservative to find rape funny, I want to vomit. This is why when my brother started talking about how it's not really rape, and his girlfriend chimed in about how I'm just looking for reasons to be offended (because there's not enough shit shoved in my face, I have to go looking for it?), I had to leave the room, because I almost upended her diet soda in her lap, and that wouldn't have been good.
So yeah. I recommend the above link. Totally brilliant. She says everything that has been running around my mind since I saw the trailer for Observe and Report, and she says it far better than I ever could. Go read.
This is what I mean when I talk about a rape culture. This is why I'm so upset by Observe and Report, and the discussion surrounding the movie. This is why every time I read about how "edgy" and "controversial" and "brave" Seth Rogan is, like I'm just too damn uptight and conservative to find rape funny, I want to vomit. This is why when my brother started talking about how it's not really rape, and his girlfriend chimed in about how I'm just looking for reasons to be offended (because there's not enough shit shoved in my face, I have to go looking for it?), I had to leave the room, because I almost upended her diet soda in her lap, and that wouldn't have been good.
So yeah. I recommend the above link. Totally brilliant. She says everything that has been running around my mind since I saw the trailer for Observe and Report, and she says it far better than I ever could. Go read.
*icon used ironically*
Apr. 10th, 2009 04:36 pmFor my own mental well-being, I have turned off comment notification. I'll turn it back on in a couple days, when everything dies down, but for right now, if I don't respond to something, I'm not ignoring you. Promise.
I've got SNL saved to watch, because I'm super lame and can't stay up that late. (I know. It's sad.) Anyways, after reading all about Observe and Report and its super hilarious date-rape scene, I can't even watch Seth Rogan on SNL, because I keep wanting to punch him in the face.
Why today sucked:
Apr. 3rd, 2009 06:13 pmSomeone at church stole almost a full bottle of my vicodin. Silly me, I thought I could leave my desk for five seconds to use the little girl's room without hiding my medication, at church, but no, no I can't. And the fuckhead had the audacity to lie to my face about it, even when she was a) the only one in the building aside from my mom, and b) was practically falling over, high as a fucking kite, by the time I realized my medication was gone. And not only did she lie, but she did that utterly charming thing that drug addicted lying assholes do when confronted, she turned it around and got angry at me. How dare I accuse her! I'm being judgmental!
So today, not only did I get to play "I'm not a drug addict, no really" with my doctor, my pharmacy, and my insurance company as I tried to get an early refill, my insurance company still turned me down, and I had to pay $189.00 out of pocket for the stuff. I am too damn sick to deal with this.
And the woman who stole the medicine told me through my mother that she isn't speaking to me, and is waiting for my apology. I took some medication about 15 minutes ago, for the first time since yesterday morning, so it's actually almost funny to my right now. Earlier today, when I was curled up in agony, it, uh, wasn't.
PS: Interesting note about this post...while writing, several times I was very, very tempted to use misogynistic language to describe the woman who stole my medication. The first draft contained many uses of "bitch" "cunt" and "skank." I'm making an effort to clean up my language, but it's hard. I still haven't come upon an insult that has the same power. (Which, let's be honest, is probably a good thing. The next step after getting rid of misogynist slurs is to get rid of slurs altogether.)
So today, not only did I get to play "I'm not a drug addict, no really" with my doctor, my pharmacy, and my insurance company as I tried to get an early refill, my insurance company still turned me down, and I had to pay $189.00 out of pocket for the stuff. I am too damn sick to deal with this.
And the woman who stole the medicine told me through my mother that she isn't speaking to me, and is waiting for my apology. I took some medication about 15 minutes ago, for the first time since yesterday morning, so it's actually almost funny to my right now. Earlier today, when I was curled up in agony, it, uh, wasn't.
PS: Interesting note about this post...while writing, several times I was very, very tempted to use misogynistic language to describe the woman who stole my medication. The first draft contained many uses of "bitch" "cunt" and "skank." I'm making an effort to clean up my language, but it's hard. I still haven't come upon an insult that has the same power. (Which, let's be honest, is probably a good thing. The next step after getting rid of misogynist slurs is to get rid of slurs altogether.)
The R-Word
Apr. 1st, 2009 10:28 pm
(I'm a day late getting to this, but better late than never, I guess.)
The new campaign to raise awareness about the r-word is amazing. Also, painful. Because I've always known that using "retard" is insulting and wrong, but I never made an effort to stop saying it. After all, it's just rude, it's not really offensive, it's not like an ethnic slur or homophobic slur, right? Yeah. I was deluding myself, because I liked saying it. I didn't want to find another word, because I liked the impact, the ease, and there wasn't another insult that sounded as good to me. It was a habit I didn't want to take the effort to break. Those are all terrible, selfish reasons for using a slur, obviously, and I'd never accept that excuse from someone who really liked to say, oh, "fag," for example.
So I'm going to drop all forms of the word "retarded" from my vocabulary, and I encourage y'all to do the same.
Also, this journal is now an r-word free space.
A friend of a friend of my mother's, another pastor within our denomination (Nazarene), is in the middle of a church investigation/trial, with the possibility that he might loose his credentials as a minister. What horrible crime could he have committed to warrant this, you ask?
Well, it seems a family in his congregation was being ripped apart. Two pillars of the church have a transgendered daughter. The parents had basically disowned their daughter, and the mother came to her pastor asking for help on healing their family. The pastor's radical advice? He told them to practice unconditional love. Part of this was the suggestion that they work to accept their daughter's transition, including using the proper pronouns when speaking about her, and using her new female name. This was apparently too much for the father, who took it to the district superintendent (kind of like a bishop), who started disciplinary proceedings against the pastor.
I think the official charge is that he's leading his congregants astray and violating the Word of God. Right. Because there's so much in the bible about disowning your transgendered daughter and refusing to acknowledge her gender or name. The whole thing would be almost funny if it wasn't so tragic. (And, of course, there's the girl, who is--one assumes--still cut off from her good, loving, Christian parents.)
For my mom, it just reinforces her fear that she's not going to be part of the Nazarene denomination for much longer. She loves our congregation. She loves the church. She agrees with almost all of the church doctrine. But it's the politics, the oppressive, ultra-conservative bent of the church leaders that is so out of touch with most of the pastoral leadership, the church members, and certainly the rest of the world, that causes her to doubt her place. And that's sad, because my mother is one of the best pastors I know.
So for those of you who pray, please keep this young lady, her family, and the pastor (I don't know his name) in your prayers. And my mother as well, if you think of her. Thanks.
Well, it seems a family in his congregation was being ripped apart. Two pillars of the church have a transgendered daughter. The parents had basically disowned their daughter, and the mother came to her pastor asking for help on healing their family. The pastor's radical advice? He told them to practice unconditional love. Part of this was the suggestion that they work to accept their daughter's transition, including using the proper pronouns when speaking about her, and using her new female name. This was apparently too much for the father, who took it to the district superintendent (kind of like a bishop), who started disciplinary proceedings against the pastor.
I think the official charge is that he's leading his congregants astray and violating the Word of God. Right. Because there's so much in the bible about disowning your transgendered daughter and refusing to acknowledge her gender or name. The whole thing would be almost funny if it wasn't so tragic. (And, of course, there's the girl, who is--one assumes--still cut off from her good, loving, Christian parents.)
For my mom, it just reinforces her fear that she's not going to be part of the Nazarene denomination for much longer. She loves our congregation. She loves the church. She agrees with almost all of the church doctrine. But it's the politics, the oppressive, ultra-conservative bent of the church leaders that is so out of touch with most of the pastoral leadership, the church members, and certainly the rest of the world, that causes her to doubt her place. And that's sad, because my mother is one of the best pastors I know.
So for those of you who pray, please keep this young lady, her family, and the pastor (I don't know his name) in your prayers. And my mother as well, if you think of her. Thanks.
Due South fanfic
Mar. 27th, 2009 03:20 pmWow, this is first thing I've written in months. It's not stupendous, but I had fun with it. It's for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
ds_flashfiction's "Delayed Gratification" challenge.
Title: Just What the Doctor Ordered
Pairing: Fraser/RayK
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 2000ish
Summary: Ray is chaffing under the doctor’s instructions against “strenuous activity.”
Just What the Doctor Ordered
ds_flashfiction's "Delayed Gratification" challenge.Title: Just What the Doctor Ordered
Pairing: Fraser/RayK
Rating: PG13
Word Count: 2000ish
Summary: Ray is chaffing under the doctor’s instructions against “strenuous activity.”
Just What the Doctor Ordered
So it turns out that I actually do have limits. Moral lines, if you will. Which is something of a relief, because after I started writing wincest, I was a little worried that I no longer had a conscience, or even a soul. But no, it turns out that there are ships that I consider stomach-turning evil.
Where do I draw my fandom line? What could possibly be worse than shipping fictional, hot, demon-fighting brothers?
Well, that would be writing fic about non-fictional, underage, purity-ring wearing brothers.
Or: Jonas Brothers incest porn.
(Just typing that made me throw up a little in my mouth.)
Now, I know this is the internet, and everything that can get slashed, will get slashed, eventually. And I know that people writing and sharing their fantasies hurts exactly no one, and folks don't really believe the Jonii are fucking like wild rabbits, and that it's just fanfic omg. Yeah, I got that. And I'm not arguing for censorship or any other dumb shit like that. Just.
Just.
It creeps me the fuck out, okay? I don't know if it's because they're underage, or Disney, or real brothers, or purity-ring wearing virgins (AFAIK), or some combination of the above, but BLECH.
(Or maybe it's because the Jonas Brothers are detestable and I hate them.)
Anyway, it's nice to know even I draw the line somewhere.
Where do I draw my fandom line? What could possibly be worse than shipping fictional, hot, demon-fighting brothers?
Well, that would be writing fic about non-fictional, underage, purity-ring wearing brothers.
Or: Jonas Brothers incest porn.
(Just typing that made me throw up a little in my mouth.)
Now, I know this is the internet, and everything that can get slashed, will get slashed, eventually. And I know that people writing and sharing their fantasies hurts exactly no one, and folks don't really believe the Jonii are fucking like wild rabbits, and that it's just fanfic omg. Yeah, I got that. And I'm not arguing for censorship or any other dumb shit like that. Just.
Just.
It creeps me the fuck out, okay? I don't know if it's because they're underage, or Disney, or real brothers, or purity-ring wearing virgins (AFAIK), or some combination of the above, but BLECH.
(Or maybe it's because the Jonas Brothers are detestable and I hate them.)
Anyway, it's nice to know even I draw the line somewhere.
death in the family
Mar. 25th, 2009 02:10 pmI don't know how many of you have heard the news about five Oakland police officers who were shot on Saturday, four of whom are now dead (the other is expected to recover). It weirds me out when I've mentioned it to friends, even local friends, figuring they would know about it and they just...don't. I know that not everyone follows the news and I know this isn't talked about everywhere, but for the last couple days, it's all anyone in my family has talked about. We are not a very newsy family--my mom and I watch Rachel Maddow pretty regularly, and occasionally Keith Olbermann if we've got the time, but you really can't call that "news"--but since Saturday, we've watched more local news than I can ever remember. It's not like they ever say anything new, and certainly nothing my dad hasn't already heard, but still. We watch it. Hoping for answers, maybe?
Cop deaths hit my family hard. We're all wrapped up in law enforcement...my dad's been a cop now for thirty-eight years, my mom is a police chaplain. I want to be careful not to co-opt grief here...nothing I feel, nothing that even my dad feels, is anywhere close to what the families of the fallen officers must be going through, or the men and women at the police department who worked with them. But there is grief, even more so when there's a connection to the dead (my father's partner came up through the ranks with one of the motorcycle cops who was shot...they weren't BFF or anything, but they were friends, and my father had met him, once).
And that's all compounded because my dad (and everyone on that police channel, I guess) heard one of the officers die. They knew they couldn't wait for the ambulance, and so a sergeant transferred on of the shot officers in his car...and they heard the sergeant's frantic attempt to get the officer to the hospital in time, heard them try to keep him alive. Heard him fail. My dad doesn't want to talk about it, at least to us, but my mom says it was pretty awful. When he came home late on Saturday, he had the most haunted look in his eyes. I can't imagine what that would feel like.
And, of course, grief is mingled with relief mingled with guilt. My family has gotten the call, we've waited in the hospital, we know how terrifying the sight of a stone-faced uniformed officer at the door is. But we were lucky, and it all turned out okay for us. In the middle of all the sadness and sympathy we feel for the Oakland cops, there's still that terrible little part inside that goes, "Thank God it wasn't my dad. Thank God it wasn't my husband."
(Aside: my parents have always been very close, but not so big on the PDA. Since Saturday, they've been so wrapped up in each other, holding hands, hugging, whatever. I even walked in on my mom sitting on my dad's lap, something I've never seen before. It was cute, but they were totally embarassed.)
My mom has been working herself nearly to death the last few days, dividing her time between her congregation and the police department (not the Oakland PD, btw), offering whatever counseling she can to the officers and family members. She's chaplain for two different departments, both several miles away from Oakland, but it's still hit everyone pretty hard. There hasn't been a day this bloody in a very long time...not since the 70s, I think. I can't really explain why...it doesn't make too much sense, looking at it. Sure, people should be sad, four good men lost their lives. But why is there such an intensity of feeling, for people we haven't even met? I don't know. Maybe because, for a lot of cops, you really do become family with your fellow officers, even ones you've never met. And that spills over to your "real" family.
I'm so angry at all the people who are using this as a jumping point for their own particular political views, whatever they are, on both the right and the left. The bodies aren't even in the ground and they are trying to score points off them. I don't blame the shooter's family so much...they just lost a brother/son/cousin/uncle, too, in an absolutely horrific way, and they are trying to make sense of what happened, too. But if I hear ONE MORE PERSON try to excuse this because of the Oscar Grant shooting, I think I might do violence. And Glen Beck needs to shut his damn mouth, too.
Anyway, that's a lot to say nothing, really. This whole thing just sucks.
Cop deaths hit my family hard. We're all wrapped up in law enforcement...my dad's been a cop now for thirty-eight years, my mom is a police chaplain. I want to be careful not to co-opt grief here...nothing I feel, nothing that even my dad feels, is anywhere close to what the families of the fallen officers must be going through, or the men and women at the police department who worked with them. But there is grief, even more so when there's a connection to the dead (my father's partner came up through the ranks with one of the motorcycle cops who was shot...they weren't BFF or anything, but they were friends, and my father had met him, once).
And that's all compounded because my dad (and everyone on that police channel, I guess) heard one of the officers die. They knew they couldn't wait for the ambulance, and so a sergeant transferred on of the shot officers in his car...and they heard the sergeant's frantic attempt to get the officer to the hospital in time, heard them try to keep him alive. Heard him fail. My dad doesn't want to talk about it, at least to us, but my mom says it was pretty awful. When he came home late on Saturday, he had the most haunted look in his eyes. I can't imagine what that would feel like.
And, of course, grief is mingled with relief mingled with guilt. My family has gotten the call, we've waited in the hospital, we know how terrifying the sight of a stone-faced uniformed officer at the door is. But we were lucky, and it all turned out okay for us. In the middle of all the sadness and sympathy we feel for the Oakland cops, there's still that terrible little part inside that goes, "Thank God it wasn't my dad. Thank God it wasn't my husband."
(Aside: my parents have always been very close, but not so big on the PDA. Since Saturday, they've been so wrapped up in each other, holding hands, hugging, whatever. I even walked in on my mom sitting on my dad's lap, something I've never seen before. It was cute, but they were totally embarassed.)
My mom has been working herself nearly to death the last few days, dividing her time between her congregation and the police department (not the Oakland PD, btw), offering whatever counseling she can to the officers and family members. She's chaplain for two different departments, both several miles away from Oakland, but it's still hit everyone pretty hard. There hasn't been a day this bloody in a very long time...not since the 70s, I think. I can't really explain why...it doesn't make too much sense, looking at it. Sure, people should be sad, four good men lost their lives. But why is there such an intensity of feeling, for people we haven't even met? I don't know. Maybe because, for a lot of cops, you really do become family with your fellow officers, even ones you've never met. And that spills over to your "real" family.
I'm so angry at all the people who are using this as a jumping point for their own particular political views, whatever they are, on both the right and the left. The bodies aren't even in the ground and they are trying to score points off them. I don't blame the shooter's family so much...they just lost a brother/son/cousin/uncle, too, in an absolutely horrific way, and they are trying to make sense of what happened, too. But if I hear ONE MORE PERSON try to excuse this because of the Oscar Grant shooting, I think I might do violence. And Glen Beck needs to shut his damn mouth, too.
Anyway, that's a lot to say nothing, really. This whole thing just sucks.
If you're interested...
Mar. 18th, 2009 09:39 amThere's a fun and interesting conversation going on in fandom_discuss about writing fanfic vs. writing original fiction. The more points of view, the merrier!
what I did on my summer vacation
Mar. 17th, 2009 05:56 pmHiatus over?
Hey, everyone! I missed y'all! I've been pretty internet free the last few weeks, other than checking my email occasionally, or keeping up with news. No LJ or myspace. And honestly, it's been good for me. I can't explain why, I don't know why, but I needed this little break, and I feel a lot healthier mentally than I did before. Again, I have no explanation for that. But leaving LJ (and fandom at large) for a while seemed like the right thing to do when I did it, and now I feel ready to come back.
And when I say I was off LJ, I mean no reading as well as writing (and I'm including JournalFen, InsaneJournal, etc. there, too), so if you posted something you'd really like me to see, please drop me a link in the comments! I feel bad because I totally missed Race Fail '09 (even before I left!), and I've spent the last two days reading it all. I want to post thoughtful commentary eventually, but for now I'll just say that this is an insanely important discussion that should be mandatory reading for serious fen. I've learned so much and have a ridiculous amount to think about, and I'll probably be processing this for a long time. I really appreciate all the folks who have taken the time to try and educate fandom at large. (Also, it totally sucks that we can't have this conversation without such a massive amount of douchebaggary, but that should go without saying.)
I don't know how much I'll be posting the future. I'd like to say I'll be back to posting regularly. I'd like to say that I'll be writing again, too. (Aside: I haven't written anything creative in so long, it physically hurts.) We'll see.
I missed my online family. It was a good break, but I'm glad to be back online. :)
Hey, everyone! I missed y'all! I've been pretty internet free the last few weeks, other than checking my email occasionally, or keeping up with news. No LJ or myspace. And honestly, it's been good for me. I can't explain why, I don't know why, but I needed this little break, and I feel a lot healthier mentally than I did before. Again, I have no explanation for that. But leaving LJ (and fandom at large) for a while seemed like the right thing to do when I did it, and now I feel ready to come back.
And when I say I was off LJ, I mean no reading as well as writing (and I'm including JournalFen, InsaneJournal, etc. there, too), so if you posted something you'd really like me to see, please drop me a link in the comments! I feel bad because I totally missed Race Fail '09 (even before I left!), and I've spent the last two days reading it all. I want to post thoughtful commentary eventually, but for now I'll just say that this is an insanely important discussion that should be mandatory reading for serious fen. I've learned so much and have a ridiculous amount to think about, and I'll probably be processing this for a long time. I really appreciate all the folks who have taken the time to try and educate fandom at large. (Also, it totally sucks that we can't have this conversation without such a massive amount of douchebaggary, but that should go without saying.)
I don't know how much I'll be posting the future. I'd like to say I'll be back to posting regularly. I'd like to say that I'll be writing again, too. (Aside: I haven't written anything creative in so long, it physically hurts.) We'll see.
I missed my online family. It was a good break, but I'm glad to be back online. :)
Reality bites.
Feb. 9th, 2009 10:00 amMy gynecologist just told me that she's out of options.
Meaning, she doesn't have anything left to help the chronic pelvic pain and bleeding.
Besides a hysterectomy.
I don't really have words.
When I was younger, I was so sure I wanted a hyserectomy. I never wanted a baby...the thought of being pregnant made me sick. I was going to adopt. I just wanted my girl parts out as soon as possible so the pain would stop. And I was mad that they wouldn't until I was older.
And now...now that it's seriously on the table, now that they're recommending it...
I kind of want to cry. I never really wanted a baby, now I fiercely want to be pregnant. Right now. It's creepy.
The paradox is that the other option is to have a baby. There's something like an 80% chance that being preganant will solve most of my health issues. Of course, I can't afford a baby right now. It would be totally stupid.
I have an appointment with my pain doctor later this week. I'm basically going to throw myself at his feet and beg for two years. Do whatever you have to do to give me two or three more years. I just need to get through school. I don't care if I'm a fucking zombie, I just need enough mental function to pass my classes. Just give me a couple years.
We'll see how that goes.
Meaning, she doesn't have anything left to help the chronic pelvic pain and bleeding.
Besides a hysterectomy.
I don't really have words.
When I was younger, I was so sure I wanted a hyserectomy. I never wanted a baby...the thought of being pregnant made me sick. I was going to adopt. I just wanted my girl parts out as soon as possible so the pain would stop. And I was mad that they wouldn't until I was older.
And now...now that it's seriously on the table, now that they're recommending it...
I kind of want to cry. I never really wanted a baby, now I fiercely want to be pregnant. Right now. It's creepy.
The paradox is that the other option is to have a baby. There's something like an 80% chance that being preganant will solve most of my health issues. Of course, I can't afford a baby right now. It would be totally stupid.
I have an appointment with my pain doctor later this week. I'm basically going to throw myself at his feet and beg for two years. Do whatever you have to do to give me two or three more years. I just need to get through school. I don't care if I'm a fucking zombie, I just need enough mental function to pass my classes. Just give me a couple years.
We'll see how that goes.
danger will robinson
Jan. 31st, 2009 05:17 pmI can always tell when I'm starting to get manic, because not only do I begin to participate in internet fights, but I actually enjoy them.
Well, and the not sleeping for 72 hours or so is a pretty big tip off, too.
Ye gods, I need medication. There really is a limit to how much I control my head issues on my own. I can hold up my end of the deal--basically, no caffine, no sugar, sleep well, exercise, yoga--but sometimes I need a little help. But without insurance, I'm pretty much screwed. Being able to afford my therapist again would be nice, too. Oh, and while we're wishing, a pony.
At least I still have the perspective to realize this is a problem and not a gift.
Well, and the not sleeping for 72 hours or so is a pretty big tip off, too.
Ye gods, I need medication. There really is a limit to how much I control my head issues on my own. I can hold up my end of the deal--basically, no caffine, no sugar, sleep well, exercise, yoga--but sometimes I need a little help. But without insurance, I'm pretty much screwed. Being able to afford my therapist again would be nice, too. Oh, and while we're wishing, a pony.
At least I still have the perspective to realize this is a problem and not a gift.
I always find it funny when people use the term "Jesus freak" in a derogatory manor. Any person that the term could reasonably be applied to would, I guarantee you, take it as a badge of honor rather than an insult.
Just recently, an atheist friend of mine got irritated with me and called me a Jesus freak. I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it as a compliment, but I couldn't help taking it that way. I didn't know what to say. I just stammered, "Really? You think? Oh my gosh! Thank you! That's so sweet!"
Then I started humming DC Talk.
(Seriously, non-churchy people. All us Evangelical kids--at least those of us who were allowed to listen to Christian rock music--basically considered Jesus Freak our anthem. I've yet to meet an evangelical person in my age group who doesn't at least know the song, and most of us know all the words. Especially those of us who wern't allowed to listen to secular music. DC Talk was our Nirvana. The voice of our generation.
Calling us "Jesus Freaks" isn't going to offend or hurt us in the slightest. It'll probably make our day, though! The "insult" certainly put a smile on my face.)
Just recently, an atheist friend of mine got irritated with me and called me a Jesus freak. I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it as a compliment, but I couldn't help taking it that way. I didn't know what to say. I just stammered, "Really? You think? Oh my gosh! Thank you! That's so sweet!"
Then I started humming DC Talk.
(Seriously, non-churchy people. All us Evangelical kids--at least those of us who were allowed to listen to Christian rock music--basically considered Jesus Freak our anthem. I've yet to meet an evangelical person in my age group who doesn't at least know the song, and most of us know all the words. Especially those of us who wern't allowed to listen to secular music. DC Talk was our Nirvana. The voice of our generation.
Calling us "Jesus Freaks" isn't going to offend or hurt us in the slightest. It'll probably make our day, though! The "insult" certainly put a smile on my face.)
You ever have that moment where you look back objectively over something you've been writing for weeks, and you realize that the story you've been pouring your soul into is unmitigated, irredeemable crap?
Sigh.
I really like the plot, and I'm trying to decide whether to a) just toss the whole thing, b) start from scratch with the same basic plot outline and try again, or c) see if I can make some changes from what I've got.
"C" doesn't seem likely, because what I've got looks like it was written by a third grader on a sugar high.
Sigh.
I really like the plot, and I'm trying to decide whether to a) just toss the whole thing, b) start from scratch with the same basic plot outline and try again, or c) see if I can make some changes from what I've got.
"C" doesn't seem likely, because what I've got looks like it was written by a third grader on a sugar high.
